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Unusual You,   
02:18pm 19/04/2009
  So, it's started again, I'm unhappy.

Javier & I are over, but that doesn't even matter cause now I'm just..unhappy.

I'm starting to think that NO ONE can make me happy, 1 person did that and it was Kyle, I don't think I was ever as bitter and jaded as I am now. It's funny cause 1 person can fuck you up for all others.

Oh god, I'm listening to The Climb-Miley Cyrus

Haha, how gay! But christ this song is actually pretty good. So, I'm already not single again, some say it's a bit soon, but at the time I didn't think so.

Everything was going well until we actually got INTO the relationship, it seems like things have already gone downhill. He doesn't ever say "Hey lets hang out" that's always me, I hate that shit.

I don't like having to be the one who is interested in hanging out all the time. We hung out ...last Wednesday, and now were hanging out this upcoming Monday. I'm sorry but that shit doesn't work for me. I saw Javier more, and I only saw him 2 days out of a 7 day week.

I'm really thinking of just quitting the whole "having relationships" thing because no one can do what I want in a relationship, here! Lets list things that I want in a relationship and perhaps we can see if their complicated things or not?!

Sex more than...well, someone whose sex drives matches mine!
Versatility- someone who can fuck me and I can fuck them
Someone who is a texting fiend like me.
Someone I'm attracted too a lot.
Someone who is fun & can get along with my friends.
Someone who can carry on good conversation etc etc.

That doesn't seem too complex. It's bad because I know there's this guy already, just waiting in MS. His name is Jason, I think if I were with him I would be deathly in love. He's masculine, in the air force, super nice, and just laid back, that shit turns me on.

I love someone who is super calm, there's this guy at work like that David, hot as hell.

Okay, I'm out of fantasizing about other scenarios mode.

The guy I'm currently dated just doesn't seem that interested. He says he is blah blah but...I don't see it.
At all.
Oooh! Along with that list of things I want from the man! Someone who is dangerous! Like...sex in public dangerous! And not scared of PDA, I'm super fuckin' affectionate.

I think I should just go get some lipo, work out a bit, and then star in porn. I mean hell I'd much rather have sex. No one can keep me happy anyways, I mean shit, I feel super high maintenance!

Well, heres to hoping someone that I want can be found?

(Tell Me You Love Me)

04:49pm 16/03/2009
  So....shouldn't you like who you're dating?
Cause I don't. I don't think I do anymore.

And I think the feelings mutual, like....ok.....I love him, but the thing is I really don't think he gives a shit anymore. And at first I really felt like it was my fault. I was like "What am I doing wrong?!" he stopped having a big desire to see me and such like that and I was like well...am I gaining weight or something? No...I've lost weight a little bit.......

Am I boring? No....everyone else that's my friend seems generally interested in me so that can't be it.

Am I bad in bed? No...he told me himself that's why he likes me so much, cause apparntaly "I'm good in the bedroom"

What could it be then? Perhaps its the distance, yeah it's gotta be that that whole 45 minutes we live from each other is hurting out relationship.

I thought all these things, then I realized maybe I should stop thinking that I'm the one doing wrong! It's not me, fuck that shit, and now I just...don't care and am thinking how to end such things.

I've never broken up with anyone, never. It's always vise versa, and I mean he doesn't seem to think theres anything wrong, but...how can't you?!

If you don't really talk to a person anymore, don't seem to think theres anything interesting about that persons life...then why are are you with me?

Bah, fuck it, I'll figutre it out. Haha.

(Tell Me You Love Me)

04:33pm 15/11/2008
  So, I'm getting tired of it.
Tired of it all. And I am wondering to myself..why do I continue to do this?

Why stay with this man if I'm not happy? If i'm the only one trying.
Maybe its because I don't want to be alone. But that's a horrible reason to stay in a relationship. Horrid.

Theres so many things wrong, so I guess I might as well list, so I understand it more myself.

Only see him on the weekends.
Argue all the time.
He isn't affectionate towards me.
Doesn't help me through it when I have issues.
I feel like I'm being cheated on alot.
He doesn't pick up his phone barely.
And...now I'm crying....because I just dont know.
He doesn't include me in his life really..with his friends...

Am I just the fuck on the weekends? I don't feel like this is working. But I do love him. But this isn't a way to live my life. It really isnt. I dont fucking know.

(Tell Me You Love Me)

Fucking Idiots.   
10:45pm 20/11/2007
  I swear, all people up here do is dissapoint me.

You like someone and you're feelin em, and they're feelin you and then they just say something that just pisses you off so much.

Fuck Virginia.

And all its stupid faggots. Not a single queer inhabitant is worth my time.

(Tell Me You Love Me)

And You Smiled At Me,   
12:00am 01/11/2007
  So, I might have a fuckbuddy here soon. Or Jank in ghetto girl termioligy.

Its a foolish thing to do, but maybe it will boost my self confidence a bit, I mean I always look for a relationship and given I can get one from this guy I will, but hey, beggers cant be coosers.

His name is Jamie, 24, sweet guy with a country accent, you wouldnt know by looking at the guy

In the end you know I will get hurt, we all do. I mean its really just a self destructive thing to do, but maybe it will deter my thoughts from Kyle.

I hate that we can never be friends, I dream of his touch or him in general, I would give anything for him to just talk to me again, I just want to kiss him. God, I miss not being a single guy, relationships make me happy.

People here are bullshit. I just..gah. Im considering going on a date with someone 10 yrs older than me. A daddy I suppose. H eseems sweet, I just dont know what Im doing anymore.

Self destructive decisions here I come!

(Tell Me You Love Me)

Oh Jesus Christ!   
10:59pm 10/10/2007
  So, Im watching May and I feel strangely calm.

I feel like I identify with the weirdness of her. Or so it seems when it comes to VA. I get odd looks well...a lot of the time. Even when I'm just being normal.

It hink I'm going through a baby craze too. I want one really bad, I really hate kids so I dont know whats coming over me.

They're always smiling at me, one cried today because it had to leave Best Buy. It was adorable.

Maybe one day Ill make the perfect friend.

Ha ha, probably not. Hmmm...Anna Faris plays a good dyke.

(Tell Me You Love Me)

Prayin For Love   
03:21am 22/07/2007

So, I want to aplogize to poor little livejournal, I have neglected you for far too long. It seems when all goes well & there is barely an issue I ignore you.

For that I am sorry LJ. You have done nothing wrong, its only when things are going bad do I feel the need to be theraputic & write. Lots.

So, family & I are going bad. I got into a fist fight with my step father, I ended up bleeding all over the floor, not by his macho-fighting-skills mind you, but in mid fight something glass broke & got all up in my foots.

Uhm, Kyle & I are over for good, & thats probably the main reason I'm writing in this delightful creature. Because this whole things just killing me, I think I would be all right if we were friends, but never has a breakup gone as bad as this one. And I mean, maybe I do need therapy? But what I really want is closure, but he wont let that happen, & I know it.

But hey! You just gotta keep living right?

It just sucks, because I have nightmares about him, well, I mean, if we were still dating they'd be wetdreams, but now that I am trying my damndest to get over him, its a fucking nightmare.

I think I see him when I'm driving & I get all scared & nervous. But I mean, what the hell? If anything he's done nothing to scare me, Im just like...un-naturally horrified of seeing him again.

Its just hard. I have less than 3 weeks left down here in Ole MS, but its just so fucking complicated. I've never been so unhappy in my entire life.

One person makes me smile, & thats the guy from VA. Hummus/Jefu. I dunno, the phone conversations, all of that, its fucking wonderful. If there was ever a reason I was excited about moving up there he is that reason.

I've never met someone so awesome, funny, confident (but not in a way that pisses me off to the extent of stabbing), he is just all around awesome.

Hell, if all Jewish people are as cool as him lemme ride upon the gay jew train!

I'm just really fragile right now, & kind of terrified of trying all over agian, but Im gonna make it, somehow. I WILL SURVIVE!

I think I would do better if there were no tanned italian men walking around, & no more Kyle dreams. Thats whats really distracting me, I think I have a good day & then..BAM! I'm FUCKED! Ha ha.

Im just glad my friends are coming to visit me at work & bother me trying to cheer me up. I just really hope things will be better in VA. One can only hope though right? It's gotta get better.

Its one of those love/hate things. I still love kyle, Im worried about him. But I hope his newboyfriend (who I can literally say gets around..mind you without protection) fucks him up. Because, after all the warnings & everything he just doesnt wanna see it.

His best friend isnt his best friend anymore, now shes mine. How odd is that? After all this we became friends ha ha.

But then again, shes like a well tamed tiger, dont get to close, she might bite a hand off.

I havent a clue, Im all kinds of confused about things in life..again.  Heres to hoping something goes awesome.


(Tell Me You Love Me)

Time For A Decision   
01:08am 11/07/2007
  So, I think its time for some decisions to be made.

I'm moving to Virginia, and the only way I can keep my car is if I do some things I'd rather not do.

Janice wants me to get a student loan so I can pay off my car,  but I am trying to find a way to get my dad to continue paying child support while Im gone, is that possible?

Will the Federal peoples try to make sure that stops once I move?

I really don't care, I just want to get the hell outta dodge.

I really dont know if this update had any meaning at all, but hell, I tried.

(Tell Me You Love Me)

01:55pm 24/04/2007
  So, I wish I understood the world a little more. Well, more likely..myself.

So, since I've been in sex in the city moods I would love to relate my life to that.

There are people that you love having sex with, get along wtih awesomely, but you don't want to show to your friends.

If you do, you act like you're in some way better than them. I believe I have become on the recieving end of that for once in my life, the person who gets fucked & not introduced.

Now, I understand Im not the most beautiful attractive person in the world, but goddamnitt, when I like someone & am not intent on making their life a living hell I'm a good person!

Now if I only meant that, I mean of course Im blah or whatever, but I guess I'm not worthy enough to show off, things like that.

Have I become a person who is awesome in bed but not awesome enough to show off & be like "Haha yay! Im dating them!"

I wish...gah! I need more will power, I need to go through with the things I want for myself, but I'm so damned lazy!

Well, I really want to change that, & I hope I can change that in myself...someone wanna help? Haha.

(Tell Me You Love Me)

08:13pm 18/04/2007
  Lifes been so strenious lately.

Kyle & I were on & off for who knows how long but its finally over...and sadly..I couldnt be more depressed.

Not talking to him just saddens me, but hey, I gotta survive or I dont know..I just have to.

I think I might have given up on love, and giving myself completly to a person.

(Tell Me You Love Me)

09:36am 13/03/2007


(Tell Me You Love Me)

12:15am 19/02/2007
  Such a coward, can't face your own emotions.

Do anything for attention wont you? Someone to finally pay attention to you, all those times you didn't have friends, now you have to make it up to yourself by no longer having a mind of your own.

So easily manipulated, its pathetic really all one needs to do is tell you something enough & if you like them you will do it.

I'm just tired of it all. I know we aren't going to get back together, & if we do, it's out of pity.

I want to be with you so much, but you cop out too easily, if things aren't going perfect you're ready to leave.

Shows how determined & "in love" you are.

I hope you enjoy your life, because right now I don't want to be in it, because you're too much of a pussy to me.

You can never speak for yourself, hell you can't even stand up for yourself, maybe theres someone better for me?

Im always going to love you, always, but learn to grow up.

(Tell Me You Love Me)

Do your Cry Your Eyes To Sleep?   
10:52am 07/01/2007
  The Rasmus - Back In The Picture

So, my hairs starting to look pretty creepy I have noticed. I need to get a hair cut, badly.

Anywhoo, for those who don't know my car is dead, its my own fault too, I suppose I had an oil leak & I didn't know.

But, I mean, it was time for an oil change anyways, so yeah, it might be about a thousand to fix, I haven't quite figured it out. All I do know is, I actually want it back. I found out I love it!! Yes, its muh babeh!

....I think I'm done.

(Tell Me You Love Me)

03:41pm 05/01/2007
  I feel so lonely nowadays. More and more often.

Its just getting worse.

(Tell Me You Love Me)

Hardest Thing About Life Is Living,   
08:24pm 24/12/2006
mood: depressed
Ian Van Dahl - Will I?

So, I've realized that I really hate Christmas. The one thing I want this year, I can't have.

The one thing I want is to be with David, Krystal, & Kyle, but, Krystal has her own life & family, Davids in Texas, & Kyles stranded with family.

Thats what I really want, to be with him like were a family, cause we all know Thanksgiving just a stepping stone to the real family holiday, Christmas.

I feel so lonely today, everyone is so preoccupied. I hate being by myself on holidays. You know, you finally start to understand the reason why people hate Christmas.

See, everyone is waving the fact that they have a great family, they can spend time with their family whoot-tastic.

Well, its just an evil holiday. See, this is why its a suicidal holiday, everyone kills themselves around this time, really is an evil time.

Megadeth - A Tout Le Monde

I just wish Christmas wasn't here. My familys going to hang out with friends tomorrow, my dad was supposed to call me & tell me if I was going up there, so I have no idea whats happening there. Seems like I am gonna be alone on Christmas, I really hate christmas..so much..I wish I didn't feel so lonely.

I want a hug, or, a family that I can get along with. I wish I was in Virginia with my cousin..he loves me...& JJ.

(Tell Me You Love Me)

11:07pm 11/12/2006
  BT - Running Down My Way Up

I don't understand myself anymore. Again.

I feel like I am being unfair but I want him to see things from my side, I'm not happy, I don't know why.

I'm really trying, to loose weight, stop being such a glutton, & no one seems to care, people always wanna waste money on fast food, & I am so tired of eating that, I want to be skinny again, liked.

Maybe life will get better next semester, I will have more time to myself to work out, which I am becoming keen upon, & just time to myself to maybe understand me.

I think I am gonna start saving up more money, so I can go on a journey, you know, the ones everyone goes on when they don't understand & they come back all understand..ed.

But where wouldu I go? I'm so co-dependent I don't think I would enjoy the solitude so much.

I'm probably to clingy, too horny, too pathetic.

I don't know, I just want someone to anaylze myself for me, maybe its me? It probably is, I'm selfish, maybe thats it? I don't know, I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

Are we going downhill? Am I being self destructive again, picking at every little thing until it leaves me? I dunno anymore..I'm confused. I wish I could just speak like this, all my thoughts, collected.

Instead, I just have all this anger I let out & its pointless.

Ian Van Dahl - Where Are You Now

Just wish someone could help me, I don't want to be the downfall of this relationship, because of my stupid needs and wants.

Maybe I do want sex too much, I probably do, but I mean, its so odd to have it all the time, then suddenly *Poof* gone.

Ugh, stupid.


(Tell Me You Love Me)

Keep Us All, Busy.   
10:40pm 04/12/2006
  Utada Hikaru - Simple & Clean

Ever feel like giving up on people that used to be there for you?

Family doesn't notice you, hell, they avert their eyes on purpose.  Something's always wrong isn't it?

Life's full of to many wants & needs. Mainly wants, but they're all superficial & unimportant.

Of course, at the time, it's desperatly important, but in the end, where will it get you in life?

Within Tempatation - Overcome

That feeling of being needed, gone. Seems no one much needs you anymore, the might, sometimes, but they aren't always there for you.

Why do so many problems present themselves? Why can't things just be at peace?!

I wish people weren't so rash & stupid, throwing words around they don't even understand why.

The only thing that keeps your mind off things are her voice, her beautiful voice, always singing beautiful melodies, they put you in a trance, make you feel so much better.

I wish I could meet her, a new albums coming out, The Howling, I wish she could live forever, just sing for me. Her & Roy Kahn of course.

Within Temptation - Restless

Feels like life's gotten bland, I need more spice, more things to do. There's opportunities, but not until I graduate. I really want to just get it over with, so I can start my life. Why do all things have a waiting period? Apartments, good gyms, daycare, life.

It's stupid. If I believe I can do it, why not let me? I just want to be left alone in my own choices. Of course I want some help now & then, but, in gist, I wish things were different.

My own utopia of people, all my friends, everyone I adore, in one place. Such foolish dreams & fantasies, I wish it could happen that way.

Some things just hold you down, seems like things are holding me down lately. My car, my mom, well, she's held me down from the beginning, I could still live there.

But, then I wouldn't of met Kyle, been happy. That "new relationship" feeling.  I don't mean to complain so much, I just wish things could be different. Life could be different.

I wish choices & life was much more simple, but I've started to realize how complex it is.

(Tell Me You Love Me)

Ah Be Eff   
08:44pm 26/11/2006
  Deep Dish - Dreams (feat Stevie Nicks)

So, I recently went delusionully crazy, I got sick, & I was tired, & Kyle wanted to go to the gym. Well, that didn't work well, I was all bleh, couldn't breathe well all that bullshit.

Then I commenced to going to work, & I was so tired, I suppose it was becuase I didn't get much sleep the night before, but it doesn't matter, I commenced being crazy.

Blabbering songs over the drive thru, messing with their heads, I don't even know, eventually Leann was just like "Ian, you can go home & go to sleep if you really need it,"

David Guetta - Time

I listened to a Garbage song the other day I was really into, twas pretty. Oh, me & Kyle got into a low grade fist fight yesterday , it was beautiful, I enjoyed myself so much, I love that we can attack each other for fun.

My eye hurts, hmm, so I thought I would like working 9-5, but it drives me crazy, from like 11-1 we are fucking crazy & I go rage like angry.

Hmm...I've lost what this was supposed to be about, I wanna go to Prattville soon, hmm... Maybe before X - Mas.

(1 Lie | Tell Me You Love Me)

Teeny Weeny Tees   
11:21pm 06/11/2006
  Pink - Stupid Girls

So, Prattville was the most fun thing, & I really needed it, & since being back, I've just been angry, but I've been trying to ignore it so I could you know, try not to destroy others.

So, I'm all obsessed with the guy who invented Fight Club, I've read almost all of his books. Oh! Found out Laurell signed a contract for 14 Merry Gentry Books & 22 Anita Books.

I cant find it, but when it comes to Anita Michaels normally right.

Anyways, I think my cars growing ready to kill me. It sounds like its about to commit suicide. I'm not really looking forward to it, but I know it's gonna happen, & it makes me sad.

Maybe if that little grant that EVERYONE ELSE BUT OUR FAMILY keeps getting will come...I hope.

Davids coming down this weekend, I thought I would be more exicted, but I'm not. Mainly becuse hes with Holly again, so that means all time & attention will go to her. I hate him dating others.

Megadeth -A Tout Le Monde

Soon I wont have to go to first block, extremely excited about that! REALLY! Anyways, I think I'm growing antisocial.

People just bother me now, & I give up trying...I smell........

(1 Lie | Tell Me You Love Me)

Para Mi,   
10:30pm 26/10/2006
  Akcent - Jokero

So, I really can't wait till I turn 18. I'm really looking forward to it, getting out of FAST FOOD, & going into the server business, I liked bussing kind of, it was all right, I just..I want something diffrent, again.

I'm going to Prattville tomorrow, I can't wait, it will be great, I'm just hoping everything's like it was, ya know?

Kati, Brittany, everyone's gonna be there! I'm so excited, what I don't want to do, is the damned car ride, I'm not looking forward to that...at all.

In other news, I'm really getting into theater 2. Olivia & I did our duet, & that was wonderful.

Now, we get to do monologues. I'm really excited, because I found the perfect one for me.

It's about this gay couple, that's already pretty much moved on, my character already has someone else, & my ex boyfriend had hit my current beau.

So, I decide its time for him to move out. Camphor made me eliminate all Stephens(the ex's) lines, it...its just perfect. It's about distance, it...reminds me so much of myself, & how my relationships go. People just pushing me away, all of that.

I'm so excited to act it out, I'm going to really put my heart in it.

 Brittany Murphy - Faster Kill Pussycat

Acting makes me feel so much better, I just hope I remember the lines,

The Lisbon Traviata is what it's called,  hmm, maybe theater should be my 2nd major?

ATB - Take Me Over

I dunno, I think I am tired of people. All peoples shit. This isn't suprising is it?

Well, I'm just tired of people being so depressed, their life is so horrible, its like whats this century got to do but be melodramatic?

It's all so annoying. But...I must forget that, I got to Prattville tomorrow, happy.... Night.

(Tell Me You Love Me)